TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from spot. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But yes, sure, let's have Yet another put wherever American men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: give Absolutely everyone a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You realize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from space, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down support."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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